Tuesday, 18 June 2013

David Greig refracted (vanity 9)

To the extent that I have a list of people whom I'd like to interview one day (that's weird, isn't it? Because interviewing is weird: a very intense way of staring into someone's windows as you walk past their house; a performance of a conversation with shades of flirtation, reaching for intimacy, pulling away. Then again, a lot of the best conversations I have with people are in an interview context – today, for instance, with Ben Power, who is every type of brilliant, and last week with Tangled Feet – partly because I'm not sufficiently sociable to get myself in a position to talk to such people otherwise, partly because the framework is such a comfort to someone who feels self-conscious speaking at all), David Greig has been close to the top for years, ever since I read Leo Benedictus' brilliant piece about him in the Guardian in 2005, which was radiant with intelligence and energy and oddity. Looking back, Greig came across in that piece like a real-life Willy Wonka, his imagination taking flight in a way that made me feel very earthbound.

So I got to meet him and he was lovely: calm and smart and fun and thoughtful and very patient with me failing to stop asking questions, despite the fact that he was very close to finishing writing The Events and keen to get back to it. We talked a bit about Scottish indie pop and CrimerShow and he introduced me to Goggl, and we talked a whole lot about how writing is kind of excruciating, a masochistic torture of the critical mind.

It seems fitting that a piece constructed of so many binaries – Charlie v Willy Wonka, Charlie v Matilda, subsidised v West End theatre, good David v naughty David – should have two versions. (OK, three – but counting the one published in G2 today wrecks the symmetry.) The first is what I originally wrote, and because I was trying to cram a lot of information into 1500 words (succeedingly only in keeping it down to 2150), it makes weird leaps and fails to explain anything. The second version is an awful lot clearer on who Charlie and Willy Wonka are, and what (possibly) happens in The Events. Writing the bits explaining Charlie and the Chocolate Factory made me feel incredibly sad for people who hadn't been read it as kids. Not the worst kind of neglect, I know, but still a melancholy thing.

*

David Greig, take one:

One thing is making David Grieg feel the pressure of writing the book for the new West End musical of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory more acutely than anything else. You might assume that it's the close proximity of another Roald Dahl adaptation, Matilda, also playing in Covent Garden, which last week added four Tony awards – including one for playwright Dennis Kelly, who wrote the book – to its seven Oliviers and many rave reviews. Or, failing that, the stratospheric profile of its director, Sam “I just made a Bond movie” Mendes. But on both counts you'd be wrong. It is – and this is typical of Greig, one of theatre's knottiest thinkers – the metaphorical resonance of the story itself.

“You have to understand what Charlie's job is in the world,” he says, chewing ruminatively on a tuna salad on his lunch break from rehearsals. “It's a big treat. Very few modern narratives enter the public collective unconscious, but golden ticket, Willy Wonka, chocolate factory: these things are heard virtually every day.” Just as Charlie Bucket is lifted from his humdrum existence when he enters Willy Wonka's world of mystery and invention, so too are audiences supposed to be transported by the musical. “For some families, this is their big trip out for the year. I've had two sets of friends come down from Scotland, who put golden tickets into chocolate bars – this is their kid's present. I feel that responsibility hugely.”

It doesn't help that this is his West End baptism by fire. Now 44, Greig has spent more than two decades in subsidised theatre, making his name as a restlessly prolific writer, as happy producing musicals and work for children as he is complex political drama. The one consistency is his ability to communicate rigorous intellect with a lightness of touch: for instance, Glasgow Girls exposed the injustice of UK asylum policy in a bright musical about teenage girls; The Letter of Last Resort pondered possible responses to nuclear attack within a shifting, comic vignette; while Dunsinane, his sequel to Macbeth, took relish in the chaos of past and present peace-keeping endeavour.

You can tell how alien Greig finds the commercial world by the care with which he justifies its extravagance. “If you're going to tell the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory story, you can either tell it the Charlie Bucket way or the Willy Wonka way,” he suggests. “The Charlie Bucket way would be in a studio theatre with four actors and a ribbon. And it would be wonderful. But in the West End you've got to do it the Willy Wonka way. Willy Wonka, upon designing a chocolate nightingale that sings, isn't going to stint. He isn't going to say, 'Ooh, the budget needs trimming, does it have to be chocolate?' He's going to say: it has to be a chocolate nightingale.”

Ever since he was brought into the creative team five years ago – “It was very late on when I realised I'd got the job. They just never stopped inviting me to meetings” – Greig has had the freedom to shape the story without worrying about mechanics or money. “Sam was really clear early on that he didn't want me to design it for him. He said: 'You write the story – we'll work out how we stage it.'” Which is just as well, because Charlie's is an odd narrative of accumulating set-pieces, particularly in the second half, when one abysmal child after another is evicted from the factory: the greedy boy swallowed up by a chocolate fountain, the demanding girl sent down a rubbish chute, the children obsessed with chewing and television transmogrified by their bad habits. Each fate, says Greig, needs to be enacted on stage, “almost like a ritual”. At first he felt alarmed by these excessive desserts: “My son is very like Mike Teevee: is he going to watch it and feel punished? But once you start working on it, you realise that Dahl has identified the five aspects of a child, so every child – in fact, every person – is a little bit bossy, a little bit show-offy, a little bit greedy, and a little bit Charlie.”

Charlie represents our good side – and this is what sets him apart from Dahl's other West End star, Matilda. Greig realises critics and adults might compare the two productions, but children are much less likely to. “I can't deny that I didn't weep hot tears of jealousy at the brilliance of Dennis Kelly's work,” he admits, “but they're not competing. Matilda is a naughty girl, Charlie is a good boy: they're different.” So which one is Greig? “Charlie with a dash of Matilda,” he smiles. “There's good David and naughty David, and they both exist in my writing. In fact, when the writing is working well, there's a bit of a fight or a wrestle between them.”

It surprises him that, when his plays provoke an outcry, as they occasionally do, it's not naughty David who's responsible. Six years ago he wrote a play called Damascus, about a Scottish salesman realising his own cultural ignorance, which toured the Middle East in 2009, generating heated controversy. “I was being shouted at by a bunch of people in the city Damascus, and I had this sudden realisation, that whenever I find myself in trouble, it's always good David who got me there – not the mischievous stuff or the dark stuff. People were shouting; 'How dare you write about our city?' and a bit of me was thinking,” and he puts a comical sob in his voice, “'I just wanted to understand!'”

He was in trouble again earlier this year, over a play that hasn't even been staged yet. The Events, which he has been writing during the Charlie rehearsal and preview period, opens at the Traverse Theatre during the Edinburgh fringe festival – but provoked an outcry three months ago when newspapers reported that it was based on the Anders Breivik murders. True, Greig travelled to Norway to interview people there about their response to the killings in Oslo and Utoya, but Breivik is just one of a number of perpetrators of violence whom Greig has spent the years since 9/11 contemplating. He has come to think of them as “lost boys”: young men, mostly, in whose faces he sees “this horrible lostness, this horrible vacuity”. Time and again, he felt unconvinced by their political justifications for violence: “I wanted to know what else was going on.”

It is this “impulse to understand” that The Events aims to interrogate. Greig sets it within a spectrum of reactions to violence and terrorism: “There's the instinct to punish, to string them up, to kill: I don't think that's very helpful. You don't want to glorify: people often have a very deep, primal, moral reaction that even speaking about that person is giving them too much attention. And I suddenly realised that the impulse to understand could be destructive as well – if you could understand something, maybe you could control it.” As a subject, he adds, “it's compelling and complicated and difficult – usually that's somewhere where a play might happen”.

Not everyone agrees with him. In March he found himself the subject of attacks on Twitter: “People around the world were saying: 'What sick bastard thought this?' It was really horrible, largely because of the weirdness: it was as if something had become attached to me,” and he flinches as though a clawed creature were embedded in his shoulder. “I wanted to email them all to say: 'You don't understand.'” When it happened again, and then a third time, he became more philosophical: “Ironically, it reflected the very same questions that the play is trying to deal with, which is: how do we speak about this? The same neurosis was manifesting itself.”

Other acts of violence have occurred while he has been writing The Events: the bombing of the Boston marathon, the stabbing of the soldier in Woolwich. After reading about the latter in the Guardian, Greig phoned the play's director, Ramin Grey, to say: “There he is again, the same boy.” Is he any closer to understanding the lost boys himself? He is scrupulous in his response: “I've spent a mad few months immersed in reading about empathy, anthropology, how humans evolved, politics. And I think there is a darkness that is part of being human that all we can do is accept. I watched The Tempest at Shakespeare's Globe recently; I saw Caliban and thought: 'Ah, it's another lost boy.' There is a brilliant line when Prospero says of him: 'This thing of darkness, I acknowledge mine.' Maybe that's all we've got.

“I should be 100% clear: you don't have to accept the act [of violence] at all. It's accepting that one will never understand. You can't get peace by killing the person and you can't get peace by understanding. That's the acceptance.”

In an odd way, working on The Events and Charlie simultaneously has been useful for Greig, the glamour of one an antidote to the knitty-gritty of the other. He's always worked this way, with projects overlapping; sometimes he envies playwrights who proceed more slowly. “In some ways they're the very best writers: they don't vomit forth notions but cherish and nurture something and carefully and patiently bring it to fruition. It's like Chekhov and Brecht: you get the sense Chekhov nurtured his ideas, whereas Brecht was try a bit of this, try a bit of that, collaborate with you, do a thing with that. I'm definitely that type.”

When he says collaborate, he doesn't necessarily mean in the rehearsal room. “The single most significant change in my writing,” he says, “was when I started telling stories to my kids. Before that I was a bit anxious about narrative, I think I associated it with Hollywood, it wasn't theatrical. Then I started telling my kids stories for pure pleasure; night after night these characters would develop, and I realised: they're happening because of narrative. That process of letting yourself go really excited me: trust the story and it will be all the darker, stranger and more complex for it.

“Now when I'm developing a play, I tell the story of it again and again and again, to friends, to strangers in pubs, to people I'm working with. If someone says, 'What are you working on?' I take the opportunity to to say: well, it's a story about a woman who goes through x, and then this happens. Each time I do it, I feel where it's boring, where it could be better, what gets the surprising laugh or gasp.”

Greig didn't plan on becoming a playwright: he wanted to be a director, and started writing after studying English and Drama at Bristol University only to have something to put on stage. He was living in London when he realised that he was going to write – and that, despite his soft English accent, he wasn't an “English writer”. “It was really odd and I've never truly understood it, but it was a visceral feeling that if I'm going to be a writer, I have to go back to Scotland.” Greig's extended family are from Aberdeen; he was born in Edinburgh and returned there at the age of 12, after spending a decade in Nigeria. But Greig rejects the idea that he was returning to his roots: “I'm not from there the way all of my family are. And it wasn't patriotism. I couldn't intellectualise it, it was a physical impulse: if you're going to write, you need to be standing somewhere to speak.”

He's now a visible force in Scottish theatre: he spent two years as in-house dramaturg for the National Theatre of Scotland and lingers on there “like a bad smell”; he's on the board of the Traverse in Edinburgh; and is vocal in debates around Creative Scotland and the future of arts funding. And he is thrillingly articulate on the social responsibility of theatre: not to educate, but to entertain. People – particularly young people – need: “more playfulness, more empathy, more entertainment and engagement that sees them as fully human souls, not as consumer products. It's like with Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: the social responsibility is to make sure people have a really fucking good time; to let them fully realise and enjoy themselves through a piece of theatre.” As he says this, you glimpse the dash of Matilda in his Charlie: naughty David and good David united in politics and passion.

*

And take two:

There are, says playwright David Greig, two ways to stage Roald Dahl's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: the Charlie Bucket way and the Willy Wonka way. Hopeful little Charlie is poor in resources but rich in imagination, and his way would suit a modest production in the subsidised theatres where Greig usually works: “You'd do it with four actors and a ribbon. And it would be wonderful.” But today Greig is in London's West End, working on a high-profile production funded by Warner Brothers, and directed by Sam Mendes, fresh from filming the latest Bond movie. “In the West End,” says Greig with a twinkling smile, “you've got to do it the Willy Wonka way.”

Wonka is one of literature's great showmen: unconventional, brilliant and a little bit dangerous. His factory is an alternative, magical universe in which fountains of chocolate flow from the ceiling, mysterious beings called Oompa-Loompas invent chewing gum flavoured like three-course meals, and industrious squirrels are in charge of quality control. This kind of stuff is easy to conjure up from a page – but on stage? When Greig started working on the production five years ago, he was convinced it was “impossible”. But Mendes reassured him: “Sam was really clear early on that he didn’t want me to design it for him. He said: ‘You write the story – we’ll work out how we stage it.’”

Eating lunch in an Italian restaurant during a break from rehearsals – although Charlie and the Chocolate Factory opened in preview performances nearly a month ago, it's still being tweaked day by day – Greig gives every impression of finding the West End itself an alternative, magical universe. Scottish by birth (not something you'd guess from the soft, unspecific English accent he acquired growing up in Nigeria), he usually lives in Fife, and has spent the past two decades making his name as a restlessly prolific writer, as happy producing musicals and work for children as he is complex political drama. It's the children's work, he thinks, that attracted Mendes' attention: his inventive adaptation of Tintin (2005), and Yellow Moon, a fierce story of troubled teenagers made for the National Theatre of Scotland in 2007, which transferred to New York the following year. But it took him a long time to realise that Mendes and team genuinely wanted to work with him: “They kept inviting me to meetings, but I'd think: someone else is probably working on it too. It was very late on when I thought: I've got this job.”

That's not just self-deprecation: it's more that the collaboration with Mendes, and particularly the Broadway composer-lyricist Marc Shaiman and lyricist Scott Whitman, felt unexpectedly easy and playful. “I've read so many stories about fights and rows working on Broadway, I was sort of expecting that. But it never happened. I'm not saying my bowels don't turn to water as I understand how close we are to properly opening – but as a process it was genuinely creative and actually very pleasant.”

The trickiest part has been figuring out how to deliver scenes that children who know the book expect to see enacted, “almost like a ritual”, but maintain the delight of surprise. Dahl's text is slyly gory: five children including Charlie win a competition to tour the chocolate factory, and four of them meet a grisly fate – the greedy boy is swallowed up by a chocolate fountain, the demanding girl sent down a rubbish chute, the children obsessed with chewing and television transmogrified by their bad habits. If Charlie survives unscathed, says Greig, it's because he represents our good side: “Deep down, the story is a reassurance that good will always win.”

The same is true in that other great Dahl story doing big business in the West End, Matilda: unloved by her parents, mistreated by her school headteacher, Matilda has to work hard for her happy ending. But Greig argues that Matilda isn't straightforwardly good in the way Charlie is: actually she's quite a naughty girl. He's keen to emphasise the differences between the children, because he knows that the two productions – just a few minutes apart in the West End – will be compared by critics and seen to be competing for audiences. “That's not helpful, but it's unavoidable,” he says. “I can’t deny that I didn’t weep hot tears of jealousy at the brilliance of Dennis Kelly’s work, and how wonderful a show it was. But trying to jump over a high bar isn't a bad thing. Even if you miss, it's still quite a high jump.”

He says he couldn't have written Matilda himself, feeling more of an affinity with Charlie. Specifically, he's like: “Charlie with a dash of Matilda. There’s good David and naughty David, and they both exist in my writing. In fact, when the writing is working well, there’s a bit of a fight or a wrestle between them.” Sometimes that lands Greig into trouble: as happened in 2009, when a play of his set in Damascus toured to the Middle East, and was accused of trading in cultural stereotypes. The play, also called Damascus, portrayed a Scottish salesman slowly realising the extent of his own cultural ignorance. It was intended by Greig as a satire on Western liberal misconceptions, so he was horrified when he found himself being lambasted by audiences in Syria, furious that he had dared to misrepresent their society. “I had this sudden realisation, that whenever I find myself in trouble, it’s always good David who got me there. People were shouting; ‘How dare you write about our city?’ and a bit of me was thinking,” and he puts a comical sob in his voice, “‘I just wanted to understand!’”

He got in trouble again earlier this year – this time over a new play that hasn’t even been staged yet. The Events opens at the Traverse Theatre during the Edinburgh fringe, but provoked an outcry three months ago when newspapers reported that it was based on the Anders Breivik murders. Greig quickly clarified that this was inaccurate; true, he travelled to Norway to interview people in Oslo and Utoya, but his subject isn't Breivik or other perpetrators of violence: it's the people responding to that violence. At the heart of the play are a choir, who represent the grief and anger of a community, and a woman struggling to empathise with a murderer, known only as Boy. Her journey is similar to one Greig himself has been on since 9/11, trying to understand the actions of men whose political justifications for violence have always seemed to him unconvincing. He describes these violent men as “lost boys”, seeing in their faces “this horrible lostness, this horrible vacuity”.

Other acts of violence have occurred while he has been writing The Events: the bombing of the Boston marathon, the stabbing of soldier Lee Rigby in Woolwich. And Greig has many questions about the way we respond to such events. “People often have a very deep, primal, moral reaction that even speaking about that person is giving them too much attention,” he says. “Then there's the instinct to punish, to string them up, to kill – I don’t think that’s very helpful. And I've started to wonder whether the instinct to understand could be destructive as well: because sometimes it's an impulse to control people.” He had a moment of insight watching The Tempest at Shakespeare's Globe recently: “Caliban is another lost boy. And there's a brilliant line when Prospero says of him: ‘This thing of darkness, I acknowledge mine.’” He wonders whether people generally need to find a similar acceptance: not of violence, but the darkness within humanity that provokes it, that can never be satisfactorily punished or understood.

It seems odd that Greig should have been working on Charlie and The Events simultaneously: he jokes that he's going from “a project whose purpose is to delight thousands to a project whose purpose is to upset small numbers of people”. He's always skittered between multiple works, and sometimes envies playwrights who have more of a constant focus. “In some ways they’re the very best writers,” he says. “It’s like Chekhov and Brecht: you get the sense Chekhov nurtured his ideas, whereas Brecht was try a bit of this, try a bit of that. I’m definitely [the latter] type.”

He started writing when struggling to make his way as a director, after studying English and Drama at Bristol University. And he remains somewhat perplexed by the need he felt to be a Scottish rather than an English writer. Greig’s extended family are from Aberdeen; he was born in Edinburgh and returned there at the age of 12, after spending a decade in Nigeria. Even so, he felt no particular connection with Scotland: he simply had “a visceral feeling that if I’m going to be a writer, I have to go back to Scotland. I couldn’t intellectualise it, it was a physical impulse: if you’re going to write, you need to be standing somewhere to speak.”

He’s now a visible force in Scottish theatre, particularly vocal in debates around Creative Scotland: last year he frequently attacked the national development agency for its lack of appreciation of Scottish artists and movement towards a more corporate model of funding work project by project. There is a strong political edge in his plays, too: from the update of Macbeth, Dunsinane, which satirised modern peace-keeping efforts in the Middle East, to the musical Glasgow Girls, which exposed the vagaries of British asylum policy. But if theatre has a social responsibility, he believes, it's not to educate but to entertain. People, particularly young people, he argues, need: “more playfulness, more empathy, more entertainment and engagement that sees them as fully human souls, not as consumer products. It’s like with Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: the social responsibility is to make sure people have a really fucking good time.”

Tuesday, 4 June 2013

Vanity 8: The Team/Mission Drift

In an ideal world, I'd have posted a whole bunch of stuff on here during May: the 8000-word transcript of my interview with Nature Theater of Oklahoma plus sort-of review of Life and Times (at current rate of progress, that might just about be finished in August); a thing on Gertrude Stein, Anthony Neilson's Narrative and our incomprehensible minds (now light-pencilled for 2015) X. But this is not an ideal world. Certainly not today: I could have written twice as much about the Team as I did for the Guardian, and that was before two-thirds of what I did write had to be cut to fit it on a single G2 page. Snip snip snip. Time being short, I've had to abandon the idea of rewriting it for here: what follows is just what I originally filed. It's not a great piece by any means, but at least it's longer.

*

A lot of what you need to know about American theatre company the Team can be discovered from the story of how they got their name. At root it's quite a short story: the founding group of six graduates from New York University called themselves after their artistic director, Rachel Chavkin: “the team” was her nickname. But the important bit is that their first project together in 2004 was to treat the word as an acronym and figure out what it stood for. The suggestions, Chavkin says, were mostly ridiculous – but from them they settled on “Theatre of the Emerging American Moment”. Chavkin adds: “We came up with our name and our mission statement in the same breath.”

Although the company have quietly shed the phrase over the past few months – understandably, it being cumbersome and off-puttingly dry – the manifesto holds truer than ever. In the UK they've been making their name with a series of works that examine American culture, history, politics and mythology with as much irreverence as fierce intelligence: first with Particularly in the Heartland (2006), which looked at neo-conservatism through the lens of The Wizard of Oz; then with Architecting (2008), which contemplated the legacy of the civil war and the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina via Margaret Mitchell's novel Gone With the Wind; and now with Mission Drift, a musical about capitalism and the pioneer spirit, which was a hit at the Edinburgh festival in 2011 and opens at the National Theatre [this month].

That nutshell description does nothing to convey the vibrancy, the sheer sexiness, of Mission Drift. In its quest to understand how capitalism built America, it crosses centuries and the entire continent, following Dutch immigrants Joris and Catalina from New Amsterdam to the Nevada desert, marvelling as they adapt to each new territory and new era. At the end of their journey lies Las Vegas, where their story becomes entwined with that of Chris and Joan, two people broken by the 21st-century financial crisis. Overlooking them all is the sultry, snaky figure of Miss Atomic, played by self-styled “avant-torch” singer HeatherChristian, whose husky songs help to narrate and comment on this fast-moving tale.

With so much story and information crammed in, it's no surprise that Mission Drift took years to put together. Work on it began in 2008 with some intensive reading: “No one in the company knew how capitalism or economics work – we're all theatre people,” says Chavkin deprecatingly. So its 14 members were each assigned an area of study, ranging from the history of Wall Street to the writings of key economists including John Maynard Keynes and Milton Friedman, which they would later present to each other, helping to build what Chavkin calls “a collective unconscious”.

Absorbing the ideas was the easy part: the difficulty lay in trying to express them emotionally. “These concepts are fascinating because they govern lives,” says Brian Hastert, a Team founder who plays Joris. “So that was the quest: how do we make this human?” Through a series of improvisation and writing sessions – all the Team's work is scripted collaboratively – myriad characters and possible scenarios emerged and were discarded. Among the abandoned material are scenes full of galloping horses and talking lizards, and a long story about two investment bankers on a violent crime spree. Even Joris and Catalina were killed off for several months: “The performers had felt really icky about playing period characters – it was like a Disney musical,” explains Chavkin.

Their first breakthrough came in summer 2010, when the company decamped to Las Vegas for a month of research and development. The experience was eye-opening: “Everything degenerate that you can think of, you have the freedom to do in Las Vegas without judgment,” says Christian, whose character Miss Atomic represents the heart of Vegas in the production. Hastert admits: “There's a list of things I had not done before that trip. You want them? I'd never been to a strip club – I was a Nebraskan boy! – I'd never gambled, I had never smoked pot, I had never been inside a casino: check, check, check, check.” The advantage of staying for an extended period, says Christian, is that: “You get it out of your system – then you can watch other people have this revelation.”

The debauchery in Vegas heightened their appreciation of the excitement of capitalism – what Hastert calls “the extraordinary passion of the desire for growth” – but more contemplative encounters with people who had grown up in the city also helped them understand its costs. One of the houses they rented there had been lost by its owners when their mortgage was foreclosed. And it's a generally accepted fact in the city that within a generation or two it will run out of water. “There's an easy metaphor of Las Vegas as a manifestation of greed,” says Chavkin. “But that's much less interesting to me than what we found out: that Las Vegas is a boom town that grew too fast, because all these resources went into it very suddenly. It's really a metaphor for human sustainability, and the larger thing that's happening with America being so slow to come to the table of environmental sustainability.”

Libby King, who plays Catalina in Mission Drift, admits that as the impact of the financial crash began to be felt in 2008, with the collapse of Lehman Brothers, few members of the Team (now expanded to a core group of 13, plus several associates) felt personally affected. “Most of us live hand to mouth: we don't save anything, we don't invest anything, so the idea of a financial crisis – other than funding drying up – was kind of a far-fetched one. At least I understand it now.” She was also struck by how quickly trust in the system was restored. Christian hopes that: “To a certain extent, we're more responsible as a nation. People are a little more realistic about what they can afford.” It comes down, she argues, to the American Dream: “This nebulous idea that you can live in a house with a pool and granite worktops and stainless steel appliances – and all those houses look the same because everybody's dream looks the same.” It is this nebulous idea that the Team are focused on dismantling.

And yet, argues Hastert, they all feel “very patriotic: we kind of love America”. Which is why it hit hard that performances of Mission Drift in New York earlier this year were received much less positively than elsewhere in the world. Charles Isherwood, writing in the New York Times, found: “its ideas about the destructive force of American capitalism … belabored to the point of tedium”. Whereas, says Hastert, in countries still in the thick of financial crisis, such as Portugal, “people were eager to talk to us about the ideas after the show”.

The company have continued to work on Mission Drift since that New York run – it now has an interval, and Christian says the character of Miss Atomic is clearer – so it should feel different even to people who saw it in Edinburgh 18 months ago. At the same time, they're working on multiple other projects, notably RoosevElvis, which interlaces the stories of Theodore Roosevelt and Elvis Presley to examine the making of American myths, and so the making of Americans; and Primer for a Failed Superpower, which is attempting to frame America's shifting position as a world power within 1980s post-punk music.

Christian, as an associate rather than core member of the Team, offers an intriguing outsider's perspective on their accumulating body of work: “They've been together almost 10 years, the kind of Americans that they are and their relationship to the country changes the older they get. Particularly in the Heartland was about feeling displaced in New York City; Architecting was about relationships and romantic views of America; with Mission Drift, all of us had just turned 30, entering the age of being an adult, and thinking about the span of a life, how you sustain that logistically, and reconcile that to the hunger you feel as an American to keep going forward.” Now one of their members is about to become a parent – so Primer for a Failed Superpower, says King, “is us thinking about our children”.

Hastert, though, has a more dispassionate take on the Team's sources of inspiration. “If you want to make plays about the American soul, the American spirit, you will never run dry. There is always some craziness, because it is a big, nutball place.”

Thursday, 11 April 2013

hello trees, hello flowers

How long do you spend writing a review? And how soon after a show do you write it? Are you happy with this?
Of all the provocations Annie Rigby, artistic director of Unfolding Theatre, placed before a group of theatre-critics/writers at the Dialogue discussion at Northern Stage/St Stephen's last year, this was probably the one that pierced us as a collective most acutely. It's stayed with me, too: on the rare occasions when I have to review to deadline, on those self-conscious days when I fret that everything I write here is rendered irrelevant by the lapse of time. I heard Annie's voice echo in the ongoing discussion between Fevered Sleep and Pippa Bailey on twitter following Pippa's disappointed response to their show Above Me the Wide Blue Sky: “performer lacked vocal range to carry off text and no real weather”. I've found their conversation gripping: FS's initial response, “We've come to judge people for their capacity to see. So many can't”, struck me as curiously barbed; since then they've enacted a much more courtly waltz through questions of engagement and critique. Then, a couple of days ago, FS posited this:
I suspect it's guaranteed artists spend more time thinking about the work than critics of any kind spend thinking about critiques.
Well, yes, I suspect so too. But...

This past year, since Jake and I started Dialogue, I've become much more aware of makers documenting process online. That brilliant thing Tassos Stevens said that is probably being quoted by someone, somewhere in the world, every living minute of every day, that the work begins for you as an audience member when you start thinking about it, that moment is happening earlier and earlier for me. I've no idea when I'll get to see Hannah Nicklin's A Conversation with My Father, but I've already enjoyed reading her tweets and blog posts about making it with Alex Kelly. X I began thinking about Above Me months before I saw it, when Fevered Sleep started tweeting about its inspiration and creation.

27 Oct: A field full of pheasants. An open mine. A flock of gulls. A tractor. The sea. The light. A ploughed field. The train. The sky. #fsAboveMe
16 Nov: Home late from school pick up.Catching falling oak leaves in a foggy darkening playground. Adults & children pausing to join in. #fsAboveMe
13 Dec: A thick hoar frost> sheep, heads down> horses wearing overcoats> a stack of felled trees>a ploughed field, 2 seagulls, a buzzard #fsAboveMe
7 Jan: Super exciting first day of #fsAboveMe @youngvictheatre today. We're building an ecosystem in there... DH
10 Jan: Yesterday: ecologies of sound. Today: landscapes of light. Getting close to nature @youngvictheatre. Above Me The Wide Blue Sky #fsAboveMe
14 Jan: It's an installation. With a performance in. It's a performance. That unravels into an installation. It's time. Fast & slow. #fsAboveMe
17 Jan: Language evolving, human surfaces becoming landscapes, evolution, change, life, then disintegration, erosion, fading away. #fsAboveMe
6 Feb: Skylarks, grey mud, ash trees, cows, foxes without tails, rooks, clouds, fog, dogs, slugs, buttercups, cuckoos, rain. #fsAboveMe

And on it went. And when the audiences started coming in, along came the rhapsodic tweets praising the show's beauty. Of course I was excited about seeing it. I wanted to get there at least 30 minutes early so I could wander through the ecosystem they'd created, enjoying its sounds, its presence, its blissful dramatic contrast to the bleak relentless static of a winter that refused to shift. Somehow I persuaded myself that I would feel as transported as I do on the rare occasions I leave London to mooch by the coast or through craggy fields of grazing sheep. But I wasn't. That labyrinthine installation I'd imagined, offering the audience a journey through nature, comprised four video screens of shifting cloud patterns, skies blue and grey and dusky above a parched earth of white-grey slabs. If Fevered Sleep had wanted to communicate a sense of desolation at all we are losing through climate change, they did so, forcefully, the moment I walked in the room.

But I'm not sure the installation was meant to provoke that feeling. I think it was supposed to be a place of restful contemplation; just as the performance itself was, I think, intended to ring out like poetry. All those images FS spent weeks tweeting, here they were in the room – but instead of dancing through the air around us, each one was hammered out in a declamatory tone, hitting my ears with a thunk. This unmusical emphasis on the text made me feel curiously illiterate: many of the names of birds and plants were unfamiliar to me – it's not that I haven't heard of house-martins, but I wouldn't know one to see one. Could I see the things being described? Many of them, yes – but the sounds that accompanied them were all out of tune.

As the list of images droned on, I became fascinated by the people around me. The grey-haired man opposite, smiling with placid nostalgia. The young couple further up the row from him, fidgeting and furious with the agony of boredom. The woman with the strikingly long face struggling to keep her eyes open; the people on all sides who'd succumbed to sleep. Did none of us care about climate change and its slow erosion of the natural world? Have we become so attuned to grey concrete environments that birds and wild flowers and bright blue skies mean nothing to us now? Of course bloody not. But clearly I wasn't the only person for whom these things weren't being successfully evoked.

I've thought a lot about Above Me in the weeks since seeing it, continuing to puzzle over the choices FS made. I've wondered whether they shared any of it with people during the making process, and how many of those watched with a placid smile of contentment, how many fidgeted, how many slept. I've thought about the thing my husband said to me afterwards: how irritating it is to see anger at climate change presented as nostalgia for what comes across as a childhood of privilege (there is a long sequence describing the scenes witnessed by a child in the field apparently owned by its parents). I've thought about what it means to grow up in London, revelling in every glimpse of nature you get: snowfalls of blossom and the first sight of daffodils, the arrogant tenacity of buddleja as it protrudes from the walls of derelict buildings, trips to the park to roll in the grass, and always, always, the boundless joy of the skies, blue skies sliced by vapour trails, grey skies whose dense aggressive clouds bluster past windows with alarming speed, blushing sunsets and the jade glow of twilight, now and then the heady romance of a rainbow. And now I'm in Cyprus staying with my parents and closer to nature than I ever get at home: I've gazed at waves crashing against a deserted pebble-boulder beach through sunglasses misted by sea spray, and mountains shining green with thriving scrub and olive trees, and I've wondered how connected I actually feel to rolling English hills, whether it's something more dangerous and sublime I want from nature. At night I lie in bed listening to cockerels crowing to the stars, dogs barking on distant hills, swifts chattering excitedly in the dawn light. Every afternoon I rummage through my parents' unruly strawberry patch, filling a wicker basket with fruit that gleams like fresh blood. We've had sand storms while I've been here, blowing in from Africa, obscuring the mountains until the wind heaves it away. At home, the cold lingers. Climate change is destabilising our existence and threatening our future. But nothing in Above Me communicated with the desperation I feel about that, or the consolation I find in what remains.

For three days now, the songs of the swifts have soundtracked a swirl of thinking about capitalism and love stories prompted by a work-in-progress text Andy Field sent me of a piece he's slowly making. X Do I spend as much time thinking about these works as the people who make them? Of course not. But I love the invitation to try. And this, I think, is the saddest thing for me about feeling so disappointed by Above Me: it's a rare experience of the sharing of process backfiring, conjuring up images in my mind of a show that I'd kind of love to see, but will never exist.

Thursday, 14 March 2013

In the republic of happiness and the radiance of the imagination, except on the days when it's all just a tragic (sloppy usage) waste of time

I've been writing this for most of this year already, which is a ridiculous state of affairs. I've tried to abandon it but it keeps needling away at me, like the children when they want things. What does this post, this blog, want from me? At the moment, I think, it just wants me to remember that writing about theatre isn't a WHOLLY POINTLESS WASTE of fucking time and thought and passion and energy and TIME. I had quite the slump of faith following this year's Devoted and Disgruntled, irritated by the smallness of most people's concerns (mine included), disappointed by the lack of care across theatre, depressed by the wide-spread belief that Lyn Gardner single-handedly keeps the industry alive (I don't dispute that, but I'd like to raise the profile of the generation in her slipstream), flabbergasted that so many people are in thrall to the West End model of existence, despite the fact that it works in the West End for particular reasons that make it unsuitable elsewhere... 

Somewhere in the midst of that petulant sulk, I became haunted by this: 


It was David Peschek who persuaded me to give Father John Misty a listen (I approach Bella Union with caution), and for six months Fear Fun's lilting twists on country music cheered me whenever I put it on. But then Dorian Lynskey tweeted that “Now I'm Learning To Love the War contains one of the best arguments for creating art I've heard” (I paraphrase), and I realised that I'd hardly listened to the lyrics because I'd been too intoxicated by Tillman's voice. He doesn't sing so much as let sound waft from his body, the way fumes rise from a perfectly aged single malt. Now I've started paying attention, Fear Fun feels a lot more complicated, abrasive and brain-joltingly smart. Particularly the ethical argument underpinning Now I'm Learning To Love the War, directly linking the politics of oil to art/everyday existence X.

There is a fragility to Tillman's expression of internal conflict and attempt at consolation in this song that I find terribly moving. But what makes it so specifically acute is his recognition of the egoism involved in any act of creation:

Let's just call this what it is
The gentler side of mankind's death wish
When it's my time to go
Gonna leave behind things that won't decompose

I'll just call this what it is
My vanity gone wild with my crisis
One day this all will repeat
I sure hope they make something useful out of me

The desire to do something meaningful; the frustration of knowing that it's not so much one's own actions but their reception that counts; the desolation of insignificance; the abysmal conceit: all expressed in two succinct choruses. No wonder the song wouldn't leave me be.

That's where I was when I abandoned this again, to go to Bristol for In Between Time, four intoxicating days of impeccably curated performance and art and theatre and live art where I was the writer-in-residence who hardly wrote a thing, and when I did it was in the old mould, the broadsheet review (albeit longer). So that was another gloom of failure in which this didn't get written. A week later I snuck off to the cinema to see Django Unchained and OH THE RAPTURE of Quentin Tarantino, idiosyncratic and scurrilous; of fearlessness in storytelling, myth-stealing, narrative pace, characterisation, political attack: the kind of devil-may-care brashness that says yes, in this story of America in 1858 I will give my lead character a brushed suede jacket and round sunglasses that make him look like a character from Superfly, and yes, in this soundtrack homage to 1960s spaghetti westerns I will inject blasts of rap. Unfortunately, I've just wasted about 30 minutes failing to track down various tweets I vaguely recall reading, along the lines of: I wish more theatre were like this. Which made me think: theatre IS like this – maybe you're just watching the wrong theatre. Or watching it in the wrong way. I watched Django Unchained in a huge room in Brixton Ritzy with maybe 30 other people; in the theatre, that sort of low attendance would trouble me, but here I didn't care. There is such self-consciousness, such insecurity, such a need for validation in theatre; I'm as guilty of it as anyone else. Let's not waste time justifying ourselves: let's use it to be courageous, fierce, and brilliant.

None of which is what I set out to say here. This started life as a post about Martin Crimp and Polly Stenham and the London international mime festival, by way of Nick Cave, Patti Smith and chocolate cake. Now it's spiralled out of control, tugging me into its vortex. Why don't I just bin it? Why do I bother? My cynical side says I'm just suffocatingly beholden to the people who have given me free tickets for stuff. X Last night on the tube, after watching Laura Mugridge's Watery Journey of Nereus Pike, a joyful piece of romantic storytelling and child-like playing in which the audience get to participate in the most delightful of ways – for happy instance, using glowsticks to create the effect of bioluminscent fish in the depths of the ocean, to a pounding soundtrack that made me wish I'd not been scared to go to raves as a teenager – I finished reading John Berger's And Our Faces, My Heart, Brief As Photos, and had a little moment with this passage about poetry:

Poetry's impulse to use metaphor, to discover resemblance, is not to make comparisons (all comparisons are hierarchical) or to diminish the particularity of any event; it is to discover those correspondences of which the sum total would be proof of the indivisible totality of existence.

I'm no poet, but I recognise that impulse as my own. So hey ho, let's go:

In the republic...

Just as I'd decided not to bother writing about In the Republic of Happiness, I belatedly caught up with Dan Rebellato's astute account of it, and recalled that no one seems to have seen it in quite the way I did. So I came back to this, only to read, three days later, Catherine Love's meticulous review, which is not only formidably good but says almost everything I'd intended to say, only better. Since then, I've just been dithering. Still, mustn't succumb to wounded pride. Plus, there are at least three minute details in which I differ from Catherine. And I've done a lot of complaining on Deliq about the Royal Court: the least I can do in return for the tickets they give me is write about the shows I love.

And I did love the Crimp, passionately – the more so because I felt awful going in. The crowd in the bar and the auditorium seemed gallingly well-bred and I just didn't fit. I listened to Nick Cave's No More Shall We Part when the new one came out and was reminded by the line in Darker With the Day – “The streets groan with little Caesars, Napoleons and cunts” – of David P's work-of-genius Mojo review of the album: “There speaks a man who lives in west London.” THAT'S how it felt in the Royal Court: everyone around me privileged and proud. And then Martin Crimp took a skewer to them. Repeatedly.

So yes, this is a reductive reading, but I see the three republics of the title as family, celebrity and online. See is the key word there, not reading: the interpretation is primarily a response to Miriam Buether's set designs (which Andrew Haydon has dismissed as not her best, so that's another confidence-booster).

I saw Republic a few days after The Architects, and because thoughts on one show inevitably infect another, Family felt like another articulation of the argument I saw in Shunt's piece, interrogating what we think we're worth, what we think we deserve. There are two daughters in this family, both teenagers; Debbie is pregnant, and – to the fury of her sister Hazel – the parents have bought her a car and diamond earrings for Christmas. Does she need them? But of course: a pregnant woman needs to be reassured of her own value – and surely can't be expected to use public transport. (We're not told where they live, but the implication is that it's not a lack of buses that's the problem, but Debbie's inflated self-importance.) You'd assume from the gifts that the family is wealthy, but Crimp implies that they're struggling financially: Dad rations their use of electric bulbs, not because he's concerned about climate change, but to save money: “electricity's got so expensive”. This is partly why the grandmother's confession to a love of taxis (or, in another bit of David P brilliance, “slipping into something more comfortable”) has such a frisson about it: she keeps it a secret because the family can't afford it.

Remember the Squeezed Middle? This is them: not rich enough to feel comfortable, not poor enough to merit sympathy, grasping at luxuries they cannot afford. Priorities skewed, the parents are raising their daughters to be spoiled, demanding and self-regarding, care-less women for whom the height of ambition is to marry for money: “I'll make him pay for my meals/ I'll strut and fuck him in heels.” When Mum's errant brother Bob and his wife Madeleine materialise and begin puncturing the family's vanity and complacency, it's exhilarating – because every word feels like an assault on the audience, too, on their own nothing-is-too-good-for-my-children attitudes that keep inequality unchecked. No wonder the claret walls of the set cave in.

We shift to what looks like a bland grey TV studio, the highway to 21st-century celebrity. The particularity of this celebrity is two-fold: it's more intimately connected with the promise of money and luxury than the light-entertainment competitions of the past (or is that simplistically nostalgic?); it's also, with the dominance of trash media and its predatory impetus, more intimately connected with self-exposure. (I talk about this like I'm not part of the problem: recently I interviewed Rebecca Lenkiewicz knowing full well that the work itself – an adaptation of The Turn of the Screw which I didn't even make time to see – was a flimsy excuse to probe into a life that fascinates me. Fans of Crimp won't be surprised to hear that when I interviewed him for the National revival of Attempts, he was not only resistant to any questions about his family life but perplexed that I should even ask.)

Celebrity confession now happens in a context of increased awareness of pop psychology, a lucrative self-help industry, and the dominance of me journalism, in blogs and broadsheet media alike. This is the landscape of Crimp's second republic, and he dissects it with microscopic precision. Again, what makes this section so piercing is that every word feels as though it's addressed at you, yes you, sitting in the auditorium demanding space for your voice to be heard in the cacophony of the world. You with your mitherings about what-life-is and how-it-should-be, you convinced that you're different –

I am the one – yes – writing the script.
… Nobody looks like me. Nobody speaks the way I do now. Nobody can imitate this way of speaking.
No way.
No way can anyone speak like I do. I make myself what I am: I'm free – okay? – to invent myself as I go along.
… I've got my own voice: I don't repeat what other people say.

– and that what you say is worth hearing. As Sylvia Plath noted on twitter (ha!) while I was writing this: We all like to think we are important enough to need psychiatrists.

On the page, the final part opens with a quotation from Dante's Paradiso: “Thou are not upon earth, as thou believest” (thanks, google translate). For a lot of people, that encouraged an interpretation of the three republics as hell/purgatory/heaven; for me, it confirmed what I thought when watching it: that Miriam Buether situates Bob and Madeleine inside a computer. The backdrop – nine panes of glass opening out to a flat vague wash of green and blue – looks like a pun on Windows Vista. The gleaming white of the room is like the pearlescent white of an Apple laptop. The fetishism of thinness that you get in new-technology adverts: it's there in Madeleine's language when she describes the world she and Bob will inhabit as “Hard. Clear. Sharp. Clean” and “thin … as a pane of glass”.

Online, we transcend earth, and in doing so enter a realm where all the mess of human existence can be avoided if we wish. Mulling over the Crimp took me back to a TED talk by Sherry Turkle, in which she mourns the effect of social media on our ability to communicate with each other, to engage with argument or criticism, to respond to deep feeling. Or, as Bob sings in the 100% Happy song:

It's a new kind of world
and it doesn't come cheap
and you'll only survive
if you don't go deep

It made me think about the way I/we use twitter, the way I/we use blogs, our disorienting oscillations between snippish little aphorisms and monolithic monologues; the way both allow us to impose ourselves on people we've never met, even as we fail to talk meaningfully to friends we've known for years. A few days after I saw Republic the Suzanne Moore storm raged through social and traditional media and it felt like the new world in action: on the plus side, I learned that there is a generation of feminist thinking I want to catch up on, in which I'm cisgendered and there's a word (intersectionality) for that awareness you try to keep as a white western university-educated working middle-class heterosexual feminist, that individuals are oppressed in multiple ways – but for a couple of days I felt terrified by all the anger and emotion and verbal abuse and all but withdrew. It's the attraction to leadership in that world that Crimp interrogates, the inanity in the spaces between the intellectual arguments that he satirises. Click on my smiling face and you can install a version of this song/ that has no words at all.

I talked about that Sherry Turkle thesis with a friend after seeing David Parkin's Good Friday at BAC: she contested it, and told me about another TED talk, on choice and its concomitant regrets. In turn I told her about the quiver in the heart I felt reading this in Berger's And Our Faces:

… death was [once] thought of as the companion of life, as the precondition for that which came into Being from Non-being; one was not possible without the other. As a result, death was qualified by that which it could not destroy or by that which would return.
That life is brief was continually lamented. Time was death's agent and one of life's constituents. But the timeless – that which death could not destroy – was another. All cyclic views of time held these two constituents together: the wheel turning and the ground on which it turned.
The mainstream of modern thought has removed time from this unity and transformed it into a single, all-powerful and active force. In so doing it has transferred the spectral character of death to the notion of time itself. Time has become Death triumphant over all. …
Man now becomes condemned to time, which is no longer a condition of life and therefore something sacred, but the inhuman principle which spares nothing. Time becomes both a sentence and a punishment.

And yes, she and I are all about the big life crises, so we talk about this stuff anyway – but Parkin's show shifts the context, by saying one possible subtext out loud. Parkin barely discusses the roots of the depression that led him to attempt suicide in a lay-by in Croydon in 2009: little more specific than a brief reference to a broken heart. It's a smart move: without the imposition of personal biography, his experience communicates more widely. You think that sounds bland (and calculating), but in a moment of transition within the show, from the viscous murk of self-hatred to the tentative brightness of recovery, Parkin asks a question of the audience: who has, or knows someone, with depression? Almost all hands go up. I felt the same choke in my throat seeing them raised that I feel on train journeys through the outskirts of London, gazing through mud-splattered windows at the dense network of suburban streets, house after house after house: so many people, so many stories, not waving but drowning. Parkin doesn't tell us if what we drown in is affluenza or the inevitable by-product of capitalism or the anguish of souls wrenched from communion with the earth: he just clears the path to a place where we can think these things through ourselves.

Rather than causes, Good Friday is concerned with one individual effect. Essentially, it's a gig, in which Parkin performs beginning to end the concept album he wrote while teaching himself to play piano in the aftermath of the suicide attempt. It's is a funny little show, because for all its craft – the exquisite undertow of cello, the rhythmic tick of an antique clock, the allure of velvety shadows – it feels artless. It wasn't until Parkin contacted me on twitter that I realised he had experience as a theatre-maker (15 years with metro-boulot-dodo): he comes across like an earnest big kid, doing his best for his parents – although perhaps that's partly because his parents were watching the same night as me.

That gawkiness infuses his songwriting, too, which is why if Good Friday actually were an album, I don't think I'd like it much. Running through the decades, the mood it conveys has generally found me here:


here:


here:


and, dear god hold me and don't let go, here:


Although it did occur to me watching John Grant play Pale Green Ghosts live last night that he and Parkin share songwriting DNA (autobiography, lacerating honesty, colloquial turns of phrase), a connection most apparent in this song:


It wasn't the music but the performance of Good Friday that absorbed me: its careful expression of emotion, its solicitude towards the audience, its understated bravery. And one line in particular will stay with me, the way a paraphrased reflection of Jenny Diski's has stayed with me, that people who commit suicide are paradoxically consumed by hope, the hope that everything will be better on the other side of death. Parkin's was the sober observation that we all go out and do battle with the world – but people who are depressed come home and do battle with themselves.



...of happiness...

When I was a kid I thought I'd never grow out of going on the swings. See-saws, merry-go-rounds, even slides I could give or take, but not the swings. The discovery a few years ago that I'd grown out of them to such a degree that going on them gave me motion sickness was a melancholy one. And then the kids were born and pretty soon it seemed wrong to go on the swings, or roll down a grassy hill, or do any childish thing. Somehow, I let myself stop playing.

And then last autumn, in a moment of topsy-turvy, transcendental happiness, I reclaimed the playground. I would deliberately get to school too early so I could clamber with my son on the climbing frame and listen to him laugh as I swung with my feet stretched high and my head tipped low. Giddy times.

That was the rapture I felt watching Ockham's Razor's Not Until We Are Lost in the London international mime festival. The five performers scamper across the scaffolding set like an Enid Blyton gang, scrabbling up hills and swinging in caverns. The show is full of dares and double-dares: when one of them is unhappy, two others rally round, tipping her, swinging her, nudging her off balance, until her smile is no longer begrudging but wide and real. There's romance, too, particularly when the performance moves to a tall perspex box in which a man is trapped, and an impish, playful woman climbs up to lead him out. And so much beauty: in the opening scene, with a woman in the perspex box alone, surrounded by tissue paper, pulling it down around her like a bridal veil; in the use of a choir, a large group of local singers who emerge from the audience as though we too could fill our lungs and join in; and, throughout, the elegant glimmering sound of a harp.

It wasn't until I read the company's notes in the programme that I appreciated what a big thing it was for them that this show was promenade: I enjoyed the proximity to the performers, seeing the curl of their feet around scaffolding poles, the stretch of their muscles as they swung – but proximity is a habitual thing for me. It was a useful reminder of the importance of seeing things on the makers' terms, not only your own: a central tenet of the Dialogue project, and something I failed to honour in writing about our September residency at BAC, as pointed out by Caroline Williams (writer, director and illustrator of Puffball) when she emailed to say that I'd misapprehended a crucial aspect of her work. In the same 24-hour period as receiving that email I made this year's marmalade, which took several hours, required ignoring my son for most of a day and left one of the pans burned. It's now so solid you can't spread it. A day of flailing, in which once again it seemed necessary to reassess every single choice I make in my haphazard life. What made everything better that time was cake: specifically, making a decent chocolate porridge cake. The idea came from my son: he loves chocolate, he loves porridge, so in his imagination this is manna. For Ben:

Chocolate porridge cake

150g butter
50g dark chocolate
100g milk chocolate
3 eggs
150g light muscovado sugar
75g fine ground oatmeal
50g plain flour
2 tsp baking powder
1-2 tsp vanilla extract

Melt the butter and two chocolates; meanwhile beat the egg yolks with the sugar, then stir through the melted stuff. Add the rest of the ingredients – not the egg whites – and beat it all together. Then whisk the three egg whites until stiff and fold them through. Bake it in a square 20cm tin, lined, for about an hour at 180/gas 4. It comes out like a chocolate-flavoured parkin, chewy and slightly nutty.

I spend most of my life convinced I'm making the wrong decisions X. One of my favourite shows at In Between Time – that's a stupid construction, nearly everything I saw there was a favourite show – was Sylvia Rimat's If You Decide To Stay, because it recognised and took blessedly seriously this constant sense of dilemma. What intrigues Sylvia isn't just the why of choosing but the how: she talks to a neuroscientist about what happens in the brain during decision-making, a mathematician about probability, a therapist about the tangle of childhood experiences that might have influenced her path through life. There are moments of awe at the fathomless power of luck in people's lives (Sylvia wouldn't exist if her grandparents, as intended, had boarded a cruise ship that later sank); and moments of playfulness, when she attempts to disrupt the audience's own decision-making, or influence it through the power of suggestion. Watching it, I felt very moved by its attempt to see choice as cause for celebration rather than self-reproach and regret; later I appreciated something else, a subtle contribution to feminist argument in a note from the neuroscientist. Emotion and cognition, he said, are intimately entwined, so it doesn't make sense to talk about them in separate terms. We imagine that decisions are made in the cognitive part of the brain, but emotion is involved, too – and mood is integral to our ability to make good decisions. What interests me about this is the case it makes for instinct, emotional response, as a valid basis for decision-making: so often denigrated compared with the cool, rational reasoning prioritised in a patriarchal culture.

...and the radiance of the imagination

Since having kids, I've been consumed by the anxiety of choice: whatever I'm doing, I'm sure I should be doing something else. I want to give them everything money can't buy: stories and escapades and the wild beauty of autumn and spring. Instead I spend most of our time yelling at them to stop fighting, use a fork, get a tissue, go to the toilet, a tedium so unrelenting, demoralising and exhausting I haven't the energy for the fun stuff. This is partly what drew me into Polly Stenham's No Quarter: in the relationship between Robin and his mother Lily, Stenham depicts a different kind of motherhood, a romantic version in which childhood is an adventure. The argument that the mother's eccentricity damages the child, makes him incapable of functioning within society, is strong. And I understand why people would find Robin unbearable: “a pretentious, pompous, self-regarding, colossal prick”, to quote Dan Rebellato. Possibly I'd think Robin were all those things too, except that he was played by Tom Sturridge, and I'm not sure I could find anyone played by Tom Sturridge unbearable.

Truthfully, I've found it difficult to remember what I liked so much about No Quarter since reading Dan's review: he objects to it with irrefutable authority. I remember thinking that Stenham's writing was like a fireworks display: a plain black expanse disrupted, with variable frequency, by lines that glittered and sparked. I remember thinking that much of the political argument between Robin and his older brother Oliver felt schematic, but that the secrecy surrounding their mother's suicide, the assumptions cherished by each sibling, the complicated ethics, the impossible question of whether lies within a family protect or corrode, was more involving. That said, I remember being struck by one accusation Robin hurls at his brother: “It's a twisting irony that after so many years of people trying to ferret their way up the socio-economic scale, you would like nothing more than to slither all the way down it.” Around the same time as I saw No Quarter, Alex Andreou began an extraordinary conversation on twitter about poverty, and I felt ridiculous taking part in it because I was mostly protected from my parents' experience of poverty, and because even to talk about it makes me sound as though I'm engaging in that slithering Robin speaks of so scornfully. But just as the psychotherapist Sylvia Rimat interviewed argued that everything in Sylvia's life today can be traced back to a childhood experience, I'm sure my life has been shaped by my family's hand-to-mouth existence in a flat in Hackney with an electricity meter my parents occasionally couldn't feed, from which we were evicted when I was about nine; the brief period in which we were homeless and refused to stay in a Bayswater hotel, instead filling the crevices of my granny's flat; and the two years spent in short-term council accommodation. It made my already ambitious mother bloody-minded in her pursuit of middle-class security – and has given me a deference for that security that I can't control.

But there was something else I sympathised with in No Quarter, which I might have read differently or as negatively as Dan Reb were it not for the coincidence of finishing Patti Smith's Just Kids that week. I'd been working up to Just Kids for a while, wary of being disappointed out of my adulation of Patti Smith, reluctant because I have a reflex antipathy to the entire genre of autobiography – yes, I do wince at the irony. A fair bit of Just Kids confirmed that prejudice: much as I love Patti, I'm not that interested in her cheese-sandwich dinners, no matter how shrewdly she punctures the romantic-poetic image of poverty; similarly, there's a part of me that reads her encounters with this or that famous person as little more than name-dropping. But mostly it was everything I'd want a book by Patti Smith to be: electric with strength of character, inspiring in its politics, a manifesto for the life to which I aspire. The brief description of her relationship with Sam Shepard alone made it worth reading:

“I can't do this,” I said. “I don't know what to say.”
“Say anything,” he said. “You can't make a mistake when you improvise.”
“What if I mess it up? What if I screw up the rhythm?”
“You can't,” he said. “It's like drumming. If you miss a beat, you create another.”

That, and a tiny phrase at the very beginning, where she describes her burgeoning appreciation of language, in the form of prayer, as: “my entrance into the radiance of the imagination”. Looking at the whole of that passage again in Just Kids, I realise how close it is to a note by Berger on language and poetry in And Our Faces: “One can say anything to language. This is why it is a listener, closer to us than any silence or god. Yet its very openness can signify indifference. (The indifference of language is continually solicited and employed in bulletins, legal records, communiques, files.) Poetry addresses language in such a way as to close this indifference and incite a caring.”

Where Just Kids connects with No Quarter is in Patti's cogent argument for rejecting the conventional mores of society while embracing the social responsibility that makes art worthwhile. She waited until she was 28 to sign her record deal (offers before that “came, I felt, too easy”), because she wanted the music she made to be reverent and relevant. When the time eventually came to record Horses, she walked into the vocal booth thinking intently of:

The gratitude I had for rock and roll as it pulled me through a difficult adolescence. The joy I experienced when I danced. The moral power I gleaned in taking responsibility for one's actions.

Of her band, she says:

We imagined ourselves as the Sons of Liberty with a mission to preserve, protect and project the revolutionary spirit of rock and roll. We feared that the music which had given us sustenance was in danger of spiritual starvation. We feared it losing its sense of purpose, we feared it falling into fattened hands, we feared it floundering in a mire of spectacle, finance, and vapid technical complexity. We would call forth in our minds the image of Paul Revere, riding through the American night, petitioning the people to wake up, to take up arms. We too would take up arms, the arms of our generation, the electric guitar and the microphone.

Stenham's Robin is a musician, too, a pianist, but in rejecting conventional society he also rejects human responsibility. Oliver is a politician with an overweening appreciation of his own social engagement. Stenham – and I bet Dan Reb would scorn this – attempts to steer the middle path with No Quarter: celebrating the value of words, or art, for themselves while using them to articulate our shared responsibility for the planet and the future. Even if she didn't pull it off, that's what made me like it.


So this is now 5500 words long: anyone who has made it this far, I don't know whether to kiss you or pity you. This postscript is for David Peschek, who called me today and read me the introduction to a biography of Elizabeth Smart by Rosemary Sullivan, with emphasis on the lines, “she knew how the role assigned the mother emptied the writer's ego”, and: “she had a rage of will: she bashed on regardless”. That, too, is why I'm still here.